-I had a mouse in my apartment. I bought some poison that said “POISON: Do not eat” with a skull and cross bones and everything. I had to keep the box hidden, just in case I had a litterate mouse.
-If you ever have to go shopping for a ski mask and duct tape, I recommend you make your purchases at seperate stores. Not worth the looks the cashier gives you.
-If Top Ramen is a staple of your diet, you have failed somewhere in life.
-I always wonder, if I were to lose my voice, how would I call in sick to work? Would I just show up with a note then go back home?
-I like to think of merry-go-rounds as very redundant tours of the park. Unless you have Alzheimers. Then you wonder how the hell you are going to get back to where you were.
-The only people who perform spoken-word poetry are those that don’t have enough friends to start a band.
-It must be really difficult to be colorblind and in a gang.
-I don’t take cold medication just in case I need to operate heavy machinery that day.
“Hey Ryan, want to drive this forklift?”
“Damn, I just took an Advil”
-I’m glad the speedometer in my car also lists kilometers per hour, just in case I make a wrong turn and end up in Europe.
-Whenever I see a stupid or blatant warning label on something, I realize they put it there because someone has done it.
-My “Boomerang Grenande” invention didn’t go over too well.
-My neighbors complain about my constant drinking and smoking outside. It sucks to live next to a preschool.
-The zoo would be a lot more exciting if it weren’t for all those damn cages.
-I’m not an alcoholic, I am just constantly thirsty and happen to find barstools very comfy.
-When someone calls my phone and says they must have the wrong number, I wonder if maybe it was me that’s had the wrong number all this time.
-I’d like to try the new restaurant that just opened near my house, but I have reservations.
-I bet the people who play the criminals in the America’s Most Wanted re-enactments get the cops called on them a lot.
-When you think about it, almost every product could have one of those “As Seen on TV” labels on it. It shouldn’t just be limited to infomercial products.
-Why don’t people who are concerned with “saving the trees” have any problem with beavers, termites or woodpeckers?
liveandletry.wordpress.com 
hahah touche… some of those seem familiar… my personal favorite so far:
-Whenever I see a stupid or blatant warning label on something, I realize they put it there because someone has done it.
I think that every time I see a warning on anything… especially on TV… when people yell at the TV saying things like, “Who the hell would be that stupid?!”
Someone. Someone has.
Remember, don’t run over your baby with a lawn mower.