Drunken Children Stories.

I’ve been drinking, so in a social experiment, I’m going to translate a fairy tale (beer count: 1 40 & 4 cans). Spelling erros and such will be left untouched.

The 3 littel pigs

by Ryan Lynch

PREFACE- My name gets bolded and underlined because I decided.  Ok, on to the story. I’m doing this as a pulbic service to all my friends with children so you can print this out and read it as a bed time story and as a cautionary tale as to not how to live your life. The 3 Little Pigs was the first thing that came to mind and I think I know the comlete story, as comapred to Snow White or Cinderlea. On with the stroy.

Once on a time ther e were 3 little pigs that may or may not have been brothers. It’s already bugging the shit out of me to not go back and fix the typos. But fuck it, Warhol painted Cambells cans, I don’t fix typos., all in the name of art. ANYWAYS- there were 3 pigs that were little, and they all live in the same hood. Not surte if they were really little, that type of thing is relative. Shit, I’m little compared to a Buick. So these p[igs (not cops) lived in their little pig village or whatever pigs live in. I’m not sure what pigs do for a paycheck, so don’t ask me how they paid rent or their utlitys. I saw a pig at the fair one time that played soccer. Name was Super Pork and he was a PIMP. Bent it like Beckam. These 3 pigs were living life and chilling when one day they learned that there was a wolf (I pronounce it “Woof” so that’s how I’m typing it from now on). This woof was kind of a dick and enjoyed blowing pigs houses down.

All this time the pigs were all, “I got 99 problems but a woof ain’t 1”. They didn’t even give a fuck about wolfs. I like to imagine that they were just kickin it one day doing pig shit (soccer!) and some other animal that lives near pigs like a duck or something was like, “Pigs, there is a woof coming to fuck your shit up”. The pigs were like,

“Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?!” You crazy duck (or whatever animal).

They decided that woof tang clan aint nothing to fuck with. They decided to remodel their cribs to make them safer. This was a generally dope idea except that the pigs had diffrent degress of laziness. One pig was like, “Let’s do this” and one was all “Meh”. The Middle pig was like in the middle, got it? The woof was pretty hungery. Why, do you ask? When was the last time you saw a Woof in Dennys or IHOP or a classy establismnt like that? They dont serve wild animals and they have to scavenger for their food. Like homless people but furrier and sharper teeth. Brotha was HON-GRY.  So anyways the pigs were like “Shit, we need new woof proof cribs that can withstand his huffing and puffing.”.

The first little pig was a total shit who was the fuck that was all good at everything. When the othert pigs were like “Good enough” he was the one who went above and beyond. Got like a 4.1 in high school and helped oold pigs across the street. He was all, “I’m going to make a brick house”. Not to be confused with the classic Commodores song of the same name which I totally love. This pig buildt his house sturdy and not meant to be blown down. We’ll discuss this later.

The second of the swine decided to build his house out of sticks I think. I don’t know for sure, but if dude really build his home from sticks, he shouldnt get that much more flack that the one that biult his home out of hay. A stick is just a more thicker hay.  Fuck this guy. I decided.

The thrid pig built his house out of hay. He was probably from the midweast. They have alot of hay there. Obviously none of these pigs never heard of stucco or even Frank Lloyd Wright, who made some dope-ass houses. I would also recommend that they get some insurance or maybe even an alarm system. When I had an alarm system, guess how many woofs broke into my home?

Answer: 0.

An undetermined amount of time passes and the woof comes tp town and is all, “Want some pig dinner”. I don’t blame the dude. (1 40 & 5 cans at this point). Instead of Applebys he decides to go blowing at random homes. Strange, I know, but this is how the stroy goes. So woof dude goes to the hay pig home first, and is like ” I’ll huff puff and blow your house in”. And you know what, dude did. Pig was like, “:WHAAAAAAAAAT?!” Destroyed his shit. Obliverated his residential. But due to circumstances unforseen, the pig got away.

The woof went to the next house which was made out of sticks. SEE WHERE THIS IS GOING? He huffed and puffed and fuck that house up too. This woof obviously doesnt smoke. He may be  an X-Men. Again the 2 pigs get away and go to their other pig friends houwse, who must be the most tolerant pig of all time to put up with these idiots. YA’LL COULD HAVE GOTTEN A TIME SHARE!

Woof comes to the last house and can’t blow it down. If I me a woman who could blow down a brick house I WOULD MARRY THAT SHIT. No joke. I actually forget what happens. I think the woof dies trying to blow down the housre, which qualifies as the dumbest death ever. Jesus, if I was that hungry, I would go to 7-11 and get a taquito.  Maybe woofs cant just buy food, but they look pretty vicious like they could just go kill whatever they wanted. I mean, fuck, people throw away alot of food, I’m sure you can find something in a dumpster. Bums do it all the time. I’m pretty sure that’s the end of the story. The Lazy pigs end up living too which is bullshit.  The woof dies.

THE END>

That is all for tonight. I expect book reports on this shit.

-RL